Finding Balance Amidst Chaos
10 pointers for self and co-regulation in a fast changing world
In a fast changing world it is normal sometimes to feel overwhelmed. Our bodies are optimized for survival and when we sense a threat (real or imagined) we enter in survival mode. We disconnect the part of our autonomic nervous system that allow us to feel safe, connected, grounded and regulated (known as ventral vagal) and activate one of two survival responses:
- mobilization (also called sympathetic activation), preparing us to “fight or flight”, which can show up as anxiety or anger, for instance, or feeling judgmental, pressured or alarmed;
- immobilization (also known as dorsal vagal collapse), our most primitive response, that tries to make us safe by becoming “invisible”, and this can show up as dissociation, depression, feeling hopeless, numb or despaired.
The important thing to have in mind is that we perceive the world according to our autonomic state. So if we’re stressed we’ll perceive the world around us as a threat and will make decisions from that place (which are normally very binary). If we’re collapsed we’ll perceive the world as overwhelming and probably will not even be able to make any decisions at all — we just want the “bad things” to pass. But if we are balanced, through our ventral vagal regulation, we have access to the executive parts of our brain (e.g. pre-frontal cortex) that can help us think, reflect, be creative, have empathy and connect with others. In other words, to thrive or to flourish. And please note that being balanced or regulated doesn’t mean being “zen-like” and always with the smile of a Buddha. It means to have resources, to have response flexibility, to be able to be active, engaged and energetic when is needed, and to “rest & digest” when it is not. And also because we are social beings, we can become a source of co-regulation to the ones around us. So, do you want to be a source of co-regulation or a locus of “contagion” for dysregulation?
Below are some simple practices and pointers to bring more regulation to your system. Please note that there are many more than these, but I’ll leave that for you to discover. And by the way, nothing of what you’re going to read is rocket-science. I bet you know most of it. It is mostly a reminder and a reinforcement for what we already know… but sometimes forget to put in practice.
But before going into the pointers, see if it is possible to allow yourself 3 minutes of undivided attention to watch the following video. Really pay attention in a mindful way, being aware of the sounds, the images and the message, but also aware of how your body and your mind respond to them.
If you really get the message you don’t need to read the rest of the article.
1 — Pay attention… here… now
Everything starts with awareness, including self-awareness, which is the foundation of emotional intelligence. Only by being aware of how my system is at each moment can I have the choice to regulate it, can I have “response-ability”. As some say, with increased awareness we can have more response flexibility and from that place we can achieve better results. How then to cultivate our awareness? Mindfulness meditation can be one of the options. At the end of the article you can find several short practices you can try out without needing to go to the Himalayas, shave your head and retreat for a lifetime.
2 — Take a deep breath
The breath is one of the few things we can consciously control in our autonomic nervous system (for some reason it is called autonomic = involuntary or unconscious). That’s why so many traditions use it as a doorway for self-regulation. Sometimes just taking a deep breath at the right moment can bring us the necessary “inches” (or cm’s) of regulation we need to reconnect back with our sanity and make the right decision that the moment require us to. Please go to the end of the article to find several practices you can try and that take less than 5 minutes to bring some regulation to your system.
3 —Your body is not a taxi to your mind
There is so much wisdom in our bodies. Our bodies evolved to move (e.g. our ancestors used to walk 10 miles per day — yes, that’s around ±16 km) but unfortunately most of us spend too much time seated in front of a screen completely disconnected from our bodies. Many studies show the importance of movement and body-mind integration not only for our health and well-being, but even in the field of trauma healing. So how to reconnect with our bodies? A simple practice is to pause and check-in with your body. You can even “ask it” what does “it” need at that moment? Does it need to move? To stretch? To rest? To go to the toilet? Are there emotions present (pleasant or unpleasant)? And if they could talk, what would those emotions say? Don’t think of the answer. Just sense into it.
Try in your next pause to go for a walk or to find some rhythmic movement like swaying, rocking or dancing! Check how you feel afterwards. And if you say to yourself that you don’t have enough time because of too many meetings, why not doing that next meeting as a “dialogue walk? (in presence or via phone).
Try out also this short embodiment practice with Arawana Hayashi:
4 — Rest
Did you know that according to a NASA study a 26min nap after lunch increased the productivity of pilots in 34%? Yes, you read correctly, 34%! Imagine the results you could achieve at the end of the year if only you could increase it by 5%. The same way as we have a stress response ingrained in our physiology, we also have a “regenerative” one. The body has innate basic wisdom on how to heal and restore. We just need to keep out of the way. It can be as short as 5 min pause, or as long as 10 hour sleep (by the way, more and more studies show the importance of sleep for our health, well-being and performance). So now you have a good argument to use if your boss catch you sleeping during work — “I was just increasing my productivity”. S/he might not believe you but it is actually true.
Get inspired by this Ted Talk on “Why Sleep is a superpower”:
5 —We become what we eat
Most people are oblivious to the fact that the one of the main sources of stress in our lives enters directly through their mouth. Yes, what we eat directly impacts how you feel and our stress levels. Some studies point that 40 to 60% of our “bad stress” (the correct term is distress) comes directly from what we eat. So try to include more “living” foods in your diet (e.g. vegetables and fruits) and reduce the amount of processed foods. Look for diversity in color and types of foods. Reduce as much as you can food that lands on the acidic side of the pH spectrum (e.g. meat, sugars, fat, etc.) and increase as much the alkaline side (once again, vegetables and fruits). You already knew that, right? But now you know that it also contributes to your stress levels. Ah, and don’t forget to drink water between meals. Not only we are around 70% made of water but it is also important to eliminate toxins, reduce headaches and make your skin prettier. And we all want to look nice, right?
Get inspired by this summary of the book “The thrive diet”:
6 — Watch out what you “eat” through your mind
As important as our food, the way we think and feel is largely influenced by what we consume through our senses, especially media and social media. Reed Hastings, Netflix’s CEO even mentioned once that their bigger competitor was… sleep. Everyone is trying to grab (and sell) our attention (media, social media, advertisement, etc.). So we need to really take care of it. Choose wisely what you allow to enter through your eyes and ears, since that will influence your autonomic state and the way you perceive the world. Is it possible to choose beauty over violence? For instance, create a playlist of music that really brings you joy or regulation, and allow yourself sometime just to listen to it. Or a good book. Or a beautiful video (check KarmaTube or GreenRenaissance, for instance). Or simply the beautiful sound of silence.
What about the news, you might be asking? There are also good ones in the world, and you can balance your “diet” with sites like DailyGood — news that inspires or KarunaVirus.
Lastly, there are also very inspiring practices you can adopt to “clean” the mental impressions you gather throughout the day, like this one from Heartfulness, called Cleaning. See it as a mental and emotion hygiene practice you can adopt at the end of you day.
7 — Tell me with whom you hang out with…
We are social beings and we are constantly sensing and influencing each other. Because of that, the quality of our relationships is by far the biggest influence of our mental and emotional well-being, our health and even our success in life according to one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies in history from Harvard Medical School, known as the Harvard Study of Adult Development. So really be aware of who you surround yourself with. Avoid toxic people and look for the ones that allow you to feel safe and connected. Ah, and pets do count as well. Especially if they are mammals, being able to establish attachment ties like us. Get inspired by this book from Eckart Tolle and Patrick McDonnell called “The Guardians of Being” or this short video about the Harvard Study of Adult Development:
8 — Write me a letter
Journaling is one of the activities that several studies show that allow people to self-regulate and increase their levels of well-being. There are many ways you can try it out. The simplest one is just to pick a pen and a paper (yes, it is better than writing on a keyboard) and “dump” your thoughts to the paper, especially if you’re feeling somehow stuck with challenging emotions. Just set an alarm clock for 3 to 10 min and write uninterruptedly. The only rule is that you don’t stop writing until you reach the end of the time. And if you find yourself without things to say just write “I have nothing to say… I’m bored… when is the alarm going to ring?… etc.” until something else pops up. Other modality is to start with a prompt and allow the pen to flow from there. At the end of the article you can find some prompts you can try out. You can also try this positive free diary called ZorBuddha.
9 — Can I be my best friend? (or at least not be my worst enemy)
Ah… if others could hear the way we sometimes talk to ourselves… How is your self-talk when you fail or make a mistake? Is it compassionate or self-critical? For most people it is the latter. Most of us speak with ourselves in a way that we would not even allow our worst enemies to do it. How to deal with that inner-critic, then? The first thing is to welcome the inner-critic as a part of us that has good intentions, even if it is causing harm (you can learn more about it here, in a video from Richard Schwartz and his method called IFS). And then to cultivate in us the capacity for acceptance, for having an inner dialogue of compassion. Science has been showing that self-compassion is one of the best competencies we can cultivate in order to have better well-being and even to be more resilient in the face of adversity. How can we cultivate it, then? There are several ways to do it, like journaling as we just shared above (e.g. writing a letter to yourself from a place of compassion, as if it was being written by the hand of a close friend or mentor), talking to yourself as if you were your best friend, or some kinds of contemplative practices like Loving-kindness meditation. Here you can find a full range of exercises you can try from Kristin Neff, one world’s most renowed scientists in the field of Self Compassion.
Check also this inspiration from The School of Life:
10 — Coming back to nature
We are part of nature. And being surrounded by nature reconnects us with our essence. It makes us feel good. It activates in us our natural regenerative response. Studies show that even looking at a picture of nature for a couple of minutes before doing a stressful task help us to be more resilient and recover faster after it than if we look at a random picture for the same amount of time. So stop and connect with the nature around you (even just looking through the window). Listen to the birds, smell the wind. Smile and come back to Life.
You can also get inspired by this Ted Talk on “Nature, Beauty and Gratitude”:
EXTRA — Reconnect with your Heart, your Essence, your inner Light
All the pointers above are pathways to bring us back to our Essence, our true nature, our Self (with capital S), which is basically sane, good, compassionate and wise. There are many practices we can use in that regard but for me the one that allows me by far to “come back home” is Heartfulness Meditation. It is a very simple and easy practice, aided by a special feature called pranahuti or yogic transmission, that can make meditation really easy and dynamic. But please don’t trust me when it comes to these notions. Be a scientist. Try it by yourself. You can learn how through one of these free apps (HeartsApp or HeartInTune) or send me a direct message and I’ll guide you into it.
Here’s a video about the Way of the Heart:
It all comes down to Stop, Look, [regulate] and Go.
Thank you you so much for reading this article. I sincerely hope that you may have found some useful pointers, practices and inspirations that can help you (re)connect with your Essence and, from that place of sanity, wisdom and compassion, to be able (re)connect with the ones around you and with the World.
May you be inspired in your Journey,
Vasco
Human Flourishing Facilitator
vascogaspar.com | info[at]vascogaspar.com
EXTRA RESOURCES
AWARENESS PRACTICES
Try one of the following practices for as long as you feel comfortable with:
- be curious about present moment. Allow yourself to stop and notice the following “data” that is already present in your experience: what can you notice through your senses (e.g. sounds, smell, colors…)? what sensations can you notice in your body (e.g. tension, pain, temperature, movements….)? what is your emotion “landscape” at this moment? (e.g. pleasant, unpleasant, neutral)? what’s the current “weather” in your mind? (e.g. foggy, rainy, cloudy, blue sky…). Smile, take a deep breath and come back to life.
- pick a place in your body where you can feel yourself breathing; notice the breath coming in, and going out; notice the pauses between the movements; ah, and notice how your mind gets constantly distracted. That’s normal. Don’t try to stop it. Just notice it, smile and come back to the sensations of the breath.
- find a place in your body that is uncomfortable at this moment (e.g. pain, tension). Can you just be with the sensations without trying to judge or change them? Be curious, like a scientist. Where do you find them? Do they have a shape? A color? A movement? A texture? What happens if you breath intentionally to those sensations? What happens if you gently place a hand in that area?
- You can also try one of these guided practices:
. Basic Goodness and Mindfulness Meditation (Arawana Hayashi)
. Open Mind Meditation (Arawana Hayashi)
. Mindfulness practice — Breathing (Meg Levie)
. Mindfulness practice — open awareness (Marc Lesser)
. A listening, receptive awareness practice (Tara Brach)
. Heartfulness relaxation practice (Heartfulness Institute)
SELF-REGULATION PRACTICES USING THE BREATH
- if you only have 5 seconds: take a deeeeeeep breath :-)
- if you only have 1 minute: take 3 deep breaths; on the first one pay attention to the process of breathing; on the second one allow your body to relax; on the last one ask yourself “what is really important now”?
- if you only have 3 minutes: notice your system; if you are very “mobilized” (e.g. angry, stressed out), breath 10 times through your left nostril (blocking the right one); if you are “collapsed” and without energy, breath 10 times through your right nostril (blocking the left one);
- if you only have 5 minutes: place a hand bellow your belly and notice your breath, coming in and out; after the first minute of noticing add a low-pitched vowel sound after each exhale like “voo” or the worldwide famous “OM” (or AUM) in yoga. Repeat 5 to 10 times. This will tone your vagus nerve and help regulate your system;
- if you have more than 5 minutes: place a hand in your chest and another bellow your belly; track the movement of the breath through how your hands move during the first minute; now gently try to breathe more through the belly, bringing more oxygen to the lower part of your lungs (imagine that you have a balloon in your belly that you want to fill in with each in-breath); after another minute of abdominal breathing start counting mentally to 4 when you inhale, and up to 6 when you exhale. Stay as long as you feel like.
JOURNALING PROMPTS
Pick one of the following prompts, grab a pen and a paper, set an alarm clock for 5/10/15min and let the words flow directly from your heart to the paper. No filter. No judgement. Check how you feel afterwards.
- Activities that allow me to feel safe and connected are…
- When I’m fully present, in the moment, my Life is…
- Moments where I felt fully creative and in “flow” or in alignment with Life were…
- What really matters to me in Life is…
- The best way I can contribute to the world is…
- People that inspired me are…
- My actions flow effortlessly when…
- If money were not problem I would spend my time…
- If I could travel to the last moment before I die and could back what would I like to see…
- What I’m grateful for in my life is…
KNOWING MORE
If you want to know more about some of the sources that directly or indirectly inspired this article, please check the following links:
- Polyvagal Theory — https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/
- Social Presencing Theater — https://www.presencing.org/aboutus/spt
- Internal Family Systems — https://ifs-institute.com/
- Heartfulness — https://heartfulness.org/
- Compassionate Inquiry — https://compassionateinquiry.com/
- Self Compassion — https://self-compassion.org/
- Philosopher Notes — https://www.optimize.me/pn
- Search Inside Yourself— https://siyli.org/
- Brain Rules — https://brainrules.net/
